Learn to Let Go

Came across this very good article that reflect my life. I have learnt to Let Go so as to stop the suffering and move on with my own life.


There you were, deeply involved in a relationship. It may have been stormy or you may have thought everything was running smoothly. Then it happened: Your significant other no longer wanted to be your significant other. This scenario happens almost every moment of every day, but when it happens to you, your whole world can focus on this. Many people that do not want the relationship to end will go into a panic to keep the relationship alive. Most of these attempts are in vain. When a relationship ends, it can be a heartbreaking, emotionally crippling time, and there are strategies you can implement to learn to let it go.

It is important to understand that as much as you may wish, you simply cannot control another person's thoughts or feelings. Even if you feel they are unjustly ending the relationship or you do not see any logic in their choice, they possess the freewill to do with their life as they wish. It is sometimes enormously painful to accept this fact, especially if you feel you have given so much of yourself to this other person. When they choose to walk away from you, you may feel a very strong craving to stop the progress of their actions. When feeling that you deserve something from this person, it can cause you to behave in very improper way. This behavior is detrimental to your emotional well-being.

There is no debate regarding the poignant pain that is involved in a breakup or divorce. There is not a magic way to completely stop the misery you will feel from the loss of this person. However, there is a way to control these feelings. No amount of pleading, begging or bribery can change how a person feels about you. Once you accept this fact, you can then move on to take actions to behave dignified and accept the end of the relationship with your esteem intact.

If the following sounds familiar, you have not learned the art of letting go. When faced with the end of a relationship, have you called that person endlessly will pleas to be reunited? Have you contacted the other person and promised to change your behavior to better accommodate their needs? Have you attempted repeatedly to question them as to why they are choosing to leave you? All of these are clear-cut signs that you have a difficult time letting a dead relationship go. All of these signs only make the situation worse for you.

When pleading with another person to "begin loving you again", you are setting yourself up for disaster. You cannot talk someone into loving you. You may be a wonderful, caring, kind and compassionate person, however if someone who was in your life does not feel they want continue the relationship, you cannot force them. You already must deal with the loss of the relationship. Love is a choice of freewill. To beg, plead or otherwise, will only lead to feeling defeated once again.

It is exceedingly difficult indeed, to control the desire to reach out to the person who left you. When you are so used to conversations with them or seeing this person everyday, it will throw your world upside-down when you must deal with a sudden end of communication and a physical connection. Realizing that calling the person, trying to "accidentally run into them" or other means of contact is futile, you must learn to distance yourself. This must be done in the name of self-respect.

If you can be emotionally strong enough to know that nothing you do can bring this person back to you, you can leave with dignity. If you harass this person, in an attempt to reunite, added suffering is imminent. It can be so frustrating to plead, beg and try to persuade someone and have him or her repeatedly reject you. The best road to take is one of complete and utter non-communication. Once knowing you do not possess the power to control their feelings and actions, control your behavior. You will have moments of weakness and there are steps you can take to overcome these.

Resist the urge to "show up accidentally" in places that you know you will run into them. You may think it is a great idea to spend hours making yourself look fantastic and then going to a restaurant, bar or otherwise that the person frequents. Your plan will be to show them how wonderful you look and they will regret their mistake of leaving you. Your plan will actually make the other person fully aware of your plan, and they will think your plan is pitiable. Whatever reason they had for leaving the relationship, whether unfounded or not, will remain intact. Flaunting yourself in front of them is akin to screaming out, "Look at me! Why do you not want me?". Do you really want to seem that deprived?

Do everything possible to stop yourself from calling them on the telephone. Delete their number from your cell phone. Another good option is to leave their number, but to change their contact name to something along the lines of, "No! He/she treated me horribly". This is a good strategy to prevent you from calling them, in the moments that you are feeling weak. You can also tape a note to your home phones. One suggestion is to write something such as, "Do not call him/her, they broke your heart and you will look like a fool if you keep calling!". These may sound rather silly now, but when in a state of a broken heart, it is common to act irrationally and these tips can stop your foolish behavior.

If you are used to instant messaging with this other person, and you wish to leave your messenger intact on your computer for messaging with others, there are several options. Firstly, you should opt to create a new user name and inform only your friends, family and others that you do wish to communicate with of your new name. If you choose to keep your user name, obviously, you should delete your ex's name off your list. If you are not emotionally strong enough to do so yet, you should at least opt to change their contact name, so that their name will show as "Ex- do not IM him/her!" or anything that will prompt you to not contact them.

You may feel a very strong urge to leave phone messages, or offline instant messages to the other person who left the relationship. You may feel you have an endless array of things to say to this person. Alternatively, you may feel you must get the last word in, but it never ends there. If you allow yourself to leave these messages, you will always find something new to add. The other person is most probably ignoring or deleting your messages, it will not bring them back to you, and all of your efforts will be in vain. Once you have implemented the means to prevent yourself from contacting them, do realize this: As absurd as it sounds at the moment, as much as your heart is aching, as much as you feel you were unfairly treated, as much as you feel you know you were the "best thing to ever happen" to them, time will change your feelings.

It is one of the most frequently used cliches when a relationship ends; however, time does heal all wounds. When using the term "heal" this does not mean that you forget this person forever. It does not mean that you will live the rest of your life without this person's name or image appearing in your mind. It does mean that given a certain amount of time, the image and memories of this person will fade.

If you follow these guidelines to end the relationship quickly and not drag the breakup into a long process, there will be a day, not too far in the future, that you realize this person was not the right one for you. You desire a good person, someone who cares for you unconditionally, someone to support your decisions, and someone to walk through life with. If this person leaves you, heartbroken and alone, they are proving they possess none of the qualities that you were looking for in a mate. You may feel misled, lied to, or tricked. The reality remains that they ultimately did not measure up to having the qualities needed in a relationship with you.

At one time or another we have all wished we had the power to make someone loves us. We have prayed for their return. We have deprived ourselves from sleep while pondering what we could have done to stop them from leaving. We have spent endless hours wondering how they could leave us. In the end, all of that time spent is needlessly, we will never obtain the answers. Only one fact remains: Everyone has freewill to do as they wish.When a person leaves you, learn to let it go.

One of the hardest things for any person, man or woman, is letting go of a relationship that's not meant to be. We are often attached to the illusion that this person is "the One" for us, and that if we don't have him or her, we'll never find somebody new.

Holding on to disappointment, hurt, blame, anger, resentment, and bitterness, we convince ourselves that "all men are jerks" or "all women are bitches."

If you've just got out of a relationship and are harboring a lot of resentment against your partner or against the opposite sex, now is NOT the time to start dating again. Your anger and bitterness will poison even the most loving relationship.

When we hang on to baggage from past relationships, we end up projecting our pain on to others in our lives - our families, children and, eventually, our new partners.

Our emotional baggage is usually rooted in our relationships with our own parents, or in bad relationships we've had in the past. We have to lighten our load and heal our pain before we can love again.

Some of the practices you need to cultivate in order to heal yourself are:

· Radical Personal Responsibility: Take responsibility for the role you played in your relationship, either by taking inappropriate action, not acting altogether or expecting too much. Stop blaming your partner. Own your feelings, so you can change them.

· Self-Awareness: Are there patterns that keep repeating in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to get into relationships with abusive people, or become abusive yourself? Become mindful of your reactions to people and situations. Learn to identify your patterns, and the unhealthy beliefs that are causing them.

· Acceptance: Accept yourself and your partner the way you are. Accept the fact that the relationship was not meant to be, that it didn't work because it was not your highest and best.

· Forgiveness: Learn to forgive yourself for all the damage that your anger and pain may have caused, and forgive others for being human and acting out their own anger and pain.

· Gratitude: Be grateful that you're out of a bad relationship, so you can be with someone better suited to your needs. Be grateful for all the lessons you've learned from your partner.

· Compassion: Learn to look at all people as human beings dealing with their own pain. Spend some time seeing the world through their eyes and you'll become less judgmental.

· Detachment: Learn to let go of unhealthy attachments to people, things and situations.

· Independence: Stop expecting other people to give you the love and acceptance you should be giving yourself. Learn to meet your own needs, let go of expectations, and enter a healthy, inter-dependent relationship.

· Optimism: Optimism is not essential, but it makes life so much easier. An optimistic outlook, positive attitude and belief that everything happens for the best, can help you bounce back from your loss. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

It takes a lot of tears, hard work, and introspection to break the chains of the past. But it's worth every moment! The feeling of freedom and contentment that you experience is just awesome.

Getting rid of your anger and hurt will help you stop blaming others for your pain, and allowed you to see your former partner as they really are - a wonderful, sensitive human being with the capacity to love, to care, and to hurt just as deeply as you.

It will allow you to love life again, to see the beauty in every experience, to be non-judgmental and open to new relationships.

No time spent in a relationship is ever wasted. Ever experience is a lesson and only when you learn the lesson will you progress to the next level. So stop beating yourself up over all the years you "wasted" with that "loser."

If it didn't work, it was probably not meant to be. You can't force someone to love you, just as you can't force commitment or marriage. These are stages that should happen naturally, when it feels right for both people.

Contrary to popular opinion (and sad love songs) love is not meant to hurt. If you're in pain, what you're experiencing is not love, but attachment or co-dependence. Too often we fall in love, not with our partner, but with the IDEA of being in love.

It's best to let go of a relationship that's causing too much pain. Instead of wallowing in the past and writing your own sad love song, do your inner work, get rid of the anger and disappointment and get on with your life.

Let go of your partner with love, so you can move past your hurt and learn to love again.

Re: A Lost Relationship- Learn to Let Go

The pain you suffer following the breakdown of a relationship is like the pain of bereavement. Losing the person you love, whether the reason is death or through the failure of a relationship, is agonizingly painful. The emotional stages of a relationship breakup are similar to the stages of recovery from death of a loved one.

Knowing what these emotional stages are and understanding that your confused emotional feelings are normal can help you deal with the experience of coping with your emotions following a relationship breakup.

Here are the stages:

1. Pain.

When you are faced with the loss of the person who was your partner in life, the pain can seem unbearable at times. Some days will be unrelentingly bad and others will be less painful. There is no cure for this pain but you will get through it and the pain will recede as time passes.

2. Denial.

When your lover tells you the relationship is over it seems incredible and you can't believe they have really walked away from everything you shared. In this stage, your mind simply refuses to accept what has happened and you believe there has been some awful mistake.

3. Anger.

When the initial shock has passed, anger will take over. You will wonder why fate picked on you. You will be angry with the whole world, and with your lost love in particular. The feelings of anger are natural and unavoidable. However, you should take care not to lash out at friends or family who are trying to support you. You might be tempted to pour your anger out on your ex and this can lead to bitterness that will poison even your memories of the good times you had.

4. Depression.

Depression is a natural feeling when you are missing the love and companionship you once enjoyed. Depression goes deeper than ordinary feelings of sadness, and some people will not be able to understand how you are feeling.

5. The Upward Turn
As you start to adjust to living your life without your partner, your emotions become more stable. If you had physical symptoms such as insomnia or lack of appetite, they lessen and your bouts of depression become less frequent and less profound.

6. Reconstruction

As you get over the feelings of shock and depression, your body and mind will start to function more normally. This is the time when you will be able to concentrate more on reconstructing yourself as an individual and building a future for yourself.

7. Acceptance.

When you reach this stage, you will have moved on. Being happy again actually seems possible and you will find you can look forward to the future.