Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
UK Tax Credit Stimulus Payments
Sometimes this year, British taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus'
payment.
This is indeed very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the UK economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky, or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!
payment.
This is indeed very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the UK economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1) Spending it at car boot sales, or
2) Going to night clubs, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or whisky, or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K.)
Conclusion:
Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Amazing True Story
This is a true story that had happened in 1892 at Stanford University.
It's moral is still relevant today.
A young, 18 year old student was struggling to pay his fees. He was an orphan, and not knowing where to turn for money, he came up with a bright idea. A friend and he decided to host a musical concert on campus to raise money for their education.
They reached out to the great pianist Ignacy J. Paderewski. His manager demanded a guaranteed fee of $2,000 for the piano recital. A deal was struck. And the boys began to work to make the concert a success.
The big day arrived. Paderewski performed at Stanford. But unfortunately, they had not managed to sell enough tickets. The total collection was only $1,600. Disappointed, they went to Paderewski and explained their plight. They gave him the entire $1,600, plus a cheque for the balance of $400. They promised to honour the cheque soonest possible.
"No" said Paderewski. "This is not acceptable" He tore up the cheque, returned the $1,600 and told the boys "Here's the $1,600. Please deduct whatever expenses you have incurred. Keep the money you need for your fees. And just give me whatever is left" The boys were surprised, and thanked him profusely.
It was a small act of kindness. But it clearly marked out Paderewski as a great human being. Why should he help two people he did not even know? We all come across situations like these in our lives. And most of us only think "If I help them, what would happen to me?"
The truly great people think, "If I don't help them, what will happen to them?" They don't do it expecting something in return. They do it because they feel it's the right thing to do.
Paderewski later went on to become the Prime Minister of Poland. He was a great leader, but unfortunately when the World War began, Poland was ravaged. There were over 1.5 million people starving in his country, and no money to feed them.
Paderewski did not know where to turn for help. He reached out to the US Food and Relief Administration for help.
The head was a man called Herbert Hoover - who later went on to become the US President. Hoover agreed to help and quickly shipped tons of food grains to fee the starving Polish people. A calamity was averted.
Paderewski was relieved. He decided to go across to meet Hoover and personally thank him. When Paderewski began to thank Hoover for his noble gesture, Hoover quickly interjected and said, "You shouldn't be thanking me, Mr. Prime Minister. You may not remember this, but several years ago, you helped two young students go through college in the US. I was one of them."
The world is a wonderful place. What goes around usually comes around.
It's moral is still relevant today.
A young, 18 year old student was struggling to pay his fees. He was an orphan, and not knowing where to turn for money, he came up with a bright idea. A friend and he decided to host a musical concert on campus to raise money for their education.
They reached out to the great pianist Ignacy J. Paderewski. His manager demanded a guaranteed fee of $2,000 for the piano recital. A deal was struck. And the boys began to work to make the concert a success.
The big day arrived. Paderewski performed at Stanford. But unfortunately, they had not managed to sell enough tickets. The total collection was only $1,600. Disappointed, they went to Paderewski and explained their plight. They gave him the entire $1,600, plus a cheque for the balance of $400. They promised to honour the cheque soonest possible.
"No" said Paderewski. "This is not acceptable" He tore up the cheque, returned the $1,600 and told the boys "Here's the $1,600. Please deduct whatever expenses you have incurred. Keep the money you need for your fees. And just give me whatever is left" The boys were surprised, and thanked him profusely.
It was a small act of kindness. But it clearly marked out Paderewski as a great human being. Why should he help two people he did not even know? We all come across situations like these in our lives. And most of us only think "If I help them, what would happen to me?"
The truly great people think, "If I don't help them, what will happen to them?" They don't do it expecting something in return. They do it because they feel it's the right thing to do.
Paderewski later went on to become the Prime Minister of Poland. He was a great leader, but unfortunately when the World War began, Poland was ravaged. There were over 1.5 million people starving in his country, and no money to feed them.
Paderewski did not know where to turn for help. He reached out to the US Food and Relief Administration for help.
The head was a man called Herbert Hoover - who later went on to become the US President. Hoover agreed to help and quickly shipped tons of food grains to fee the starving Polish people. A calamity was averted.
Paderewski was relieved. He decided to go across to meet Hoover and personally thank him. When Paderewski began to thank Hoover for his noble gesture, Hoover quickly interjected and said, "You shouldn't be thanking me, Mr. Prime Minister. You may not remember this, but several years ago, you helped two young students go through college in the US. I was one of them."
The world is a wonderful place. What goes around usually comes around.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Still A Virgin
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be"
"Husband #2 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up"
"Husband #3 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me"
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver"
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method"
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not"
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it..."
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it"
"Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it"
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it... God I miss him"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
"You're with the GOVERNMENT. This time I KNOW I"M gonna get SCREWED."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be"
"Husband #2 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up"
"Husband #3 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me"
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver"
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method"
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not"
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it..."
"Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it"
"Husband #9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it"
"Husband #10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it... God I miss him"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited"
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?"
"You're with the GOVERNMENT. This time I KNOW I"M gonna get SCREWED."
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Life's Tough When You're Stupid
A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.
The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possesses as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstances, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."
For example, the Professor pulls back the sheet and sticks his finger right up the dead cow's butt, pulls out his finger and sticks it in his mouth. The students just stand there, paralyzed at what they see. "Now, go ahead and do the same thing, each of you." the professor says.
Freaked out, the students take several minutes but eventually take turns sticking their fingers up into the anal cavity of the dead cow, and then sucking on them. Once everyone is finished, the Professor continues on with his lesson...
"Now, the second important quality you must possess is a keen observation. You see, I stuck in my middle finger up the cow's butt, and I sucked on my index finger... Now, learn to pay attention."
The moral: Life's tough, but it's even tougher when you're stupid.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Polite Way to Call Someone a Bastard
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
The were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?". The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and like to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was a Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation....
And, if you can bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
The were even after the first two holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?". The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and like to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was a Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation....
And, if you can bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
Saturday, January 1, 2011
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