Bad decision... The porcupine won this short contest.
A vet sedated the dog and then removed a total of 1,347 quills. The dog survived, and has hopefully, learned a valuable lesson.
Now, tell me you had a bad day!!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Porcupine Vs Pit Bull
A pit bull was in his courtyard in Southern California, minding his own business, when a porcupine invaded his territory. The brave but stupid pit bull immediately challenges the porcupine!
Bad decision... The porcupine won this short contest.
A vet sedated the dog and then removed a total of 1,347 quills. The dog survived, and has hopefully, learned a valuable lesson.
Now, tell me you had a bad day!!
Bad decision... The porcupine won this short contest.
A vet sedated the dog and then removed a total of 1,347 quills. The dog survived, and has hopefully, learned a valuable lesson.
Now, tell me you had a bad day!!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
African Roulette
The foreign minister of a small African state had the opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time. There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.
On his last day, the Russian foreign minster took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. "My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia, something called the Russian Roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinder, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers it loaded."
The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was "click", but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.
Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister's country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian Roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.
"To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call "African Roulette". You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob."
The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk?" To be called Roulette, there must be some form of risk involved."
The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a Cannibal."
On his last day, the Russian foreign minster took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. "My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia, something called the Russian Roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinder, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers it loaded."
The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was "click", but no shot.
Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.
Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister's country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian Roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.
"To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call "African Roulette". You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blowjob."
The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk?" To be called Roulette, there must be some form of risk involved."
The African smiles broadly. "One of the six is a Cannibal."
The Old Motor
The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She Said, "Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?"
The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!"
After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,
"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."
The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.
The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
She Said, "Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?"
The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.
The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?"
The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running."
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one is black!"
Why men shouldn't write advice columns
Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!
I'm 32, my husband 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
--------
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John.
- Forwarded by Steve Sanderson, Gilbert, S.C.
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!
I'm 32, my husband 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
--------
Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John.
- Forwarded by Steve Sanderson, Gilbert, S.C.
Making a Baby
This is hilarious! There is not one dirty word in it, and it's funny! --
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
"Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well. Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", grasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well.. when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, here eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
"Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door to door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well. Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", grasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well.. when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, here eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh..equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted
The Hardest Thing to Break!
What is the hardest thing to break???
Diamonds are hard to find but not hard to break.
What is the hardest thing to break then?
The answer is HABIT!
If you break the H, you still have A BIT.
If you break the A, you still have BIT
If you break the B, you still have IT!
Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the "I".
And the "I" is the root cause of all the problems. Isn't it right?!
Now you know why HABIT is so hard to break...
Diamonds are hard to find but not hard to break.
What is the hardest thing to break then?
The answer is HABIT!
If you break the H, you still have A BIT.
If you break the A, you still have BIT
If you break the B, you still have IT!
Hey, after you break the T in IT, there is still the "I".
And the "I" is the root cause of all the problems. Isn't it right?!
Now you know why HABIT is so hard to break...
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